To Billy Bob Thornton

Dear Bad Santa,

I got bupkis from the real Santa Claus last year, so this year I'm writing you. Please leave a bottle of gin in my stocking. I've been a very good girl this year, so I think I deserve the good stuff.

Happy Holidays,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I'd also like a Fraggle Stick Car.

P.P.S. - If you end up drinkin' the gin yourself, at least send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture.

Congratulations, President-elect Obama!

Dear President-elect Obama,

Congratulations on your historic win! I hope my endorsement played a small part in your victory.

By the way, I hear you will be getting a puppy for your daughters, Malia and Sasha. Did you know that Maltese doggies are extremely cute and lovable? Hint, hint.

Your friend,

Weasel Hussein McPuppy

P.S. - Maltese are also smart, loyal, and can hold their liquor.

P.P.S. - I've been hearing some Labrador rumors, but I don't believe 'em.

Guess Who's the Birthday Girl!

Happy birthday to me! I turn 12 years old today. I'd think twice about making any wisecracks about dog years. My bite is worse than my bark.

By the way, if you don't know what to get me for my special day, Plymouth Gin is my favorite. It's s-m-o-o-t-h!

Lynda Carter Responds

I received a reply from a wonderful woman. Make that Wonder Woman!

To see my letter to Lynda Carter and to read her response, click here-->Link

Charo Responds... For Real This Time!

Today I received a reply directly from Charo (rather than a letter from some guy claiming to represent her). She sent me a beautiful, personalized photo!

To read my original letter to Charo and to see her lovely response, click here-->Link

To Mr. T

Dear Mr. T,

If ya don't mind me askin'; what does the "T" stand for? Tank? Turnbuckle? Twinkletoes? Terwilliker? Tea?

Just curious,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - You are very kind to pity fools.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. I'll be very happy if I receive your photo, 'cause I love it when a plan comes together.

Bill Murray Responds

I also received a response from Mr. Bill Murray today. He autographed a baseball schedule from one of his minor league teams. That's uber cool! I didn't think Mr. Murray sent autographs.

To read my letter to Mr. Murray and to see his response, click here-->Link

Kelly LeBrock Responds

Today I received two replies to my little letters. The first came from the lovely, Ms. Kelly LeBrock.

To read my original letter to Ms. LeBrock and to read her reply, click here-->Link

To Sharon Stone

Dear Ms. Catherine Tramell,

For the love of Benji, would ya put on some underpants?!

Please keep in mind that I'm a little doggy, so I'm very low to the ground. I really don't need to be seein' that.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. It will be nice to see you from a different angle for a change.

To Rip Taylor

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I've completely run out of wigs and confetti. Can I borrow some?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I know it must sound strange for me to be askin' to borrow a wig, bein' that I'm completely covered in fur. But even little doggies like to play "dress up."

P.P.S. - If you can't spare any wigs or confetti, please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. Do I look like a $1.98 Beauty Queen?

Jim Oberweis Responds... Strangely

I received a response (of a sort) from Jim Oberweis. This has to be the oddest reply I've received yet.

To read my letter to Mr. Oberweis and see his reply, click here-->Link

To Richard Simmons

Dear Mr. Simmons,

The other night I was playin' poker with the rest of the doggies, and we got so drunk we accidentally used a deck of Deal-A-Meal cards. Not only did I win twelve bucks; I lost three pounds!

Thanks,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - That joke would have killed back in 1987.

P.P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. You should have seen how I looked before I started 'sweatin' to the oldies.'

To Jim Oberweis

Dear Dairy,

This was supposed to be a diary entry, but I'm slightly dyslexic. Ha, ha.

Actually, I understand you make chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry flavored milk. Have you ever considered making gin-flavored? It would be very popular with little doggies and Liza Minnelli.

Think about it,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Say "hi" to the cows for me.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture and maybe some gin-flavored milk.


The Reply:



(Blank stationary)

A Note From Weasel Regarding the Reply:

Uh, thanks, Mr. Oberweis... I guess. Do you realize you sent me blank stationary? Ya know, if you didn't want to respond to my letter, you didn't have to send anything.

I can see why you keep losin' elections. You're a weirdo.

Clint Eastwood Responds

I received an autographed picture today from Mr. Clint Eastwood! Hey, if he's "the man with no name," how'd he sign it?

To read my letter to Mr. Eastwood and to see his response, click here-->Link

To Lou Ferrigno

Dear Mr. Hulk,

You are very strong and bulgy. Will you be my friend? You don't smash little doggies; do ya?

Your friend (hopefully),

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - No one stronger than Weasel. Weasel the strongest one there is. Ha, ha.

P.P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. What do you think of my muscles?

To Crystal Gayle

Dear Ms. Gayle,

I hear that your hair reaches all the way to the floor. What do you do with it when you go to the bathroom?

Just wondering,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Do you throw it over your face like Cousin It?

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. Be sure to move your hair so I can see if your brown eyes are blue.

To Jim Belushi

Dear Mr. Belushi,

I hear that According to Jim has been picked up for an eighth season. Tell me the truth; did you make a deal with the devil?

Just wondering,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - In the world "according to Weasel," your show has been canceled, and Arrested Development is the most popular show on television.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. Another season? Really?

The Hamburglar's Spokesperson Responds

Today I received a reply from a spokesperson for the Hamburglar. The Hamburglar has a spokesperson?

To read my letter to the Hamburglar and to read the reply, click here-->Link

Dom DeLuise Responds

Today Mr. Dom DeLuise sent me a beautiful autographed photo. He truly is Dominick the Great.

To read my letter to Mr. DeLuise and to see his reply, click here-->Link

To Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

You say some pretty dumb things. Do you really have a doctorate, or are you like Dr. J?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Do you have a ruthless dunk?

P.P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. I have a little bit of a mustache too.

To the Hamburglar

Dear Hamburglar,

Robble-robble. Robble, robble robble robble robble robble robble... robble. Robble-robble-robble. Robble.

Your robble-robble friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Robble-robble. Robble robble reward-robble. Robble-lam.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my robble-robble picture. Robble-please send me your robble-picture, robble.


The Reply:


Dear Weasel McPuppy,

Thank you so much for sending us a picture of you. The smile on your McPuppy face made us smile too! Unfortunately, we have been trying to track down photos of the Hamburglar for a while, with no luck. It seems the rascal has burgled his photos as well as McDonald's hamburgers. The Hamburglar is having fun romping around McDonaldland. Hopefully, someday soon when he isn't so camera-shy, we can snap a quick photo before he makes a get-away. But as you may know Weasel McPuppy, that Hamburglar is a quick one! Again, thank you for contacting us and we hope you have a robble-robble wonderful summer!

Your McFriend,

Kerri Redd
McDonald's Corporation
Customer Satisfaction Department


A Note From Weasel Regarding The Reply:

Thanks for taking the time to write to a little doggy. If you can't get a good photo of the Hamburglar, please send French fries!

To Richard Belzer

Dear Mr. Belzer,

I understand you've appeared as Detective John Munch on ten separate series. I'd like to see Munch visit a few more, because there are a lot of shows that could benefit from a good homicide. Please thin the herd on the following shows:

• 30-Minute Meals with Rachael Ray
• According to Jim
• America's Next Top Model
  
• Blues Clues
• Friday Night Smackdown
  
• Lou Dobbs Tonight
  
• One Tree Hill
  
• Supernanny
  
• The O'Reilly Factor
• Wheel of Fortune

Thank you.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - If you have access to a time machine, please pay a visit to The Patty Duke Show. There was one Patty Duke too many if you ask me.

P.P.S. - I wanna be a TV cop, just like you. Is there a height requirement? I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture.

To Dom DeLuise

Dear Mr. DeLuise,

You are very underrated as an actor. Sure, it's easy for Peter O'Toole to look good when he's starring in Lawrence of Arabia; but it's not so easy to look good when you're starring in The Silence of the Hams. You deserve more respect.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - When you kiss Burt Reynolds, does his mustache tickle?

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, and maybe one of your friend Captain Chaos.


The Reply:


Weasel,

Love,

Dom DeLuise ♥XX


A Note From Weasel Regarding the Reply:

Thank you for the lovely picture, Mr. DeLuise. ♥XX right back at ya!

To Bill Murray

Dear Mr. Murray,

What did you whisper in Scarlett Johansson's ear at the end of Lost in Translation? I'm guessin' it had somethin' to do with the Chicago Cubs.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Go Cubbies!

P.P.S. - If you can't tell me what you whispered, could you maybe send me your picture instead? I've enclosed my picture.


The Reply:


Me.

Bill Murray


A Note From Weasel Regarding The Reply:

Thanks, Mr. Murray, for signing a baseball schedule from one of your minor league teams. I still wanna know what you whispered to Scarlett Johansson, though. Was it dirty?

Doris Day Responds

Today I received a lovely autographed photo from Ms. Doris Day and her doggy.

To read my original letter to Ms. Day and to read her reply, click here-->Link

Frank Oz Responds

Today I received an autographed photo and a personal note from Mr. Frank Oz. That's super nice. You can bet that I'll be "Doin' the Pidgeon" tonight!

To read my letter to Mr. Oz and to read his response, click here-->Link

Dick Van Dyke Responds

The good news is I received a reply from Mr. Dick Van Dyke. The bad news is I can't get that "I Am a Fine Musician" song out of my head.

To read my letter to Mr. Van Dyke and to see his reply, click here-->Link

No Endorsement From Beatrice Hemoglobin McPuppy; Wants Food

Mrs. Beatrice Hemoglobin 'Taint Fit Night Out For Man Nor Beast McPuppy has yet to make an endorsement in the 2008 Presidential race. As the only McPuppy sibling yet to commit to a candidate, her backing has been much sought after. "I'm keeping my options open," she told reporters. "I'll back the first person who feeds me."

When asked if she was leaning toward any particular candidate, Beatrice answered, "All things being equal, I'll probably go with Nader." She went to explain, "I like to sleep, and I doze off every time he opens his mouth."

Biminy Midget McPuppy Endorses Gravel

After yesterday's political announcements from Weasel and Henry McPuppy, their sister, Biminy Midget Ignatz Ratzkywatzky McPuppy, craved her moment in the spotlight. "I'm for Mike Gravel," she told a small gathering.

When asked how she had arrived at her decision, Biminy responded, "I does what I likes!" She then bit one of the reporters, bringing the interview to an abrupt end.

Henry McPuppy Declares Differing Viewpoint On Obama

In response to Weasel McPuppy's endorsement of Barack Obama earlier today, younger sibling, Grandpa Henry Swe'gen McPuppy had this to say: "I thought an Obama was a cookie." He quickly added, "I want a cookie."

It is unclear at this time whether the latter comment represented an endorsement of Senator Obama.

In an unrelated story, Henry McPuppy urinated on his own foot.

Weasel McPuppy Endorses Obama; Adopts "Hussein" As Middle Name

Noted canine pen pal to the stars, Weasel McPuppy, formally endorsed Presidential candidate Barack Obama in a sparsely attended press conference Wednesday. "I can stay silent no longer," Ms. McPuppy said, "Senator Obama has the intelligence, temperament, and common sense we so desperately need in our next President."

Although Weasel McPuppy stated that she did not dislike Senator Hillary Clinton, she did express dismay at Clinton's recent "fear-based" attacks on her rival. "It isn't nice to be scary," McPuppy noted.

In a show of solidarity with Senator Obama, Weasel pledged to adopt the middle name of "Hussein" throughout the remainder of the campaign. "The Internet conspiracies surrounding Senator Obama are ridiculous," McPuppy went on to say. "If Al-Qaeda wanted to plant a sleeper agent in the U.S., they wouldn't use someone with a conspicuous name like Barack Obama. If you ask me, I'd be more concerned about Mitt Romney."

To Cher,

Dear Cher,

If I could turn back time, I'd strongly urge you to reconsider some of your outfits.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture... but tone it down, would ya.

To Sir Anthony Hopkins

Dear Dr. Lecter,

Why are you always eating people? Are you on the Atkins diet?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I don't get your fascination with human flesh. I bit one of my people once; and honestly, it didn't taste that good.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, with or without your cool restraint mask.

Geoffrey Rush Responds

I received a cool response from Geoffrey Rush today. Thank ye, Cap'n Barbossa!

To read my letter to Mr. Rush and to see his reply, click here-->Link

Tim Allen Responds

Yesterday I received an autographed photo from Santa Claus, otherwise known as Mr. Tim Allen.

To read my letter to Mr. Allen and to see his reply, click here-->Link

To Danny DeVito

Dear Mr. DeVito,

I think you are one of the most dedicated and persistent people in Hollywood, because it isn't easy to get drunk on Limoncello. Your young co-stars on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia could learn a lot from your stick-to-itiveness.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I hear you are now marketing your own brand of Premium Limoncello. If Dale Carnegie was still alive, he'd have to update his "when fate hands you a lemon" quote.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, and maybe some of your Premium Limoncello.

To Lassie

Dear Lassie,

How many times has Timmy fallen down the well? If I were you, I'd keep that kid on a leash.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Saving Timmy is pretty good, I guess. But have you ever tried something really hard... like learning to type?

P.P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. You'll notice it's autographed, because I can write in longhand too.

Kenny Rogers Responds

Yesterday I received a large autographed photo of the Gambler himself, Mr. Kenny Rogers.

To read my original letter to Mr. Rogers and to see his reply, click here-->Link

To Leonard Nimoy

Dear Mr. Nimoy,

Before I watched Star Trek, I didn't know that people with goatees were evil. Thank you for teaching me this important life lesson. In the future, I will be more careful when dealing with bearded types.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Were you wearing your "Mirror, Mirror" goatee when you recorded "If I Had a Hammer?" That would explain a few things.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, with or without the malevolent facial hair.

William Shatner Responds

Today I received a letter and picture from Mr. William Shatner. Maybe we will develop a bond of friendship like Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.

To read my letter to Mr. Shatner and to see his reply, click here-->Link

Esther Williams Responds

Today I received a reply from Ms. Esther Williams. She's a very classy lady.

To read my letter to Ms. Williams and to see her response, click HERE.

To Kenny Rogers

Dear Mr. Rogers,

Just saying "you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run" isn't very helpful. Please elaborate.

Thank you,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I'm losin' my shirt to the other doggies when we play cards. I'd appreciate a little help here.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, along with your poker tips.


The Reply:


A Note From Weasel Regarding the Reply:

Thank you for your autograph, Mr. Rogers, but I don't see how that helps me with my gambling problem.