To Howie Mandel

Dear Mr. Mandel,

I told you if you kept pulling that glove over your head you'd rub all your hair off; but did you listen?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Maybe next time you'll listen when a little doggy tells you something.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, with or without your hair.

To Stephen King

Dear Mr. King,

You give me the willies. You can take that as a compliment if you wanna.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. I plan to hang it with your face to the wall, because you seriously creep me out.

P.P.S. - All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...


The Reply:

Dear Weasel,

At one time Stephen King answered all his letters personally, however, he came to realize he had to make a choice between answering letters or writing books. Although I'm sure you are disappointed not to receive a personal response, I hope you'll understand and agree he made the right choice. We share fan comments and concerns with him.

Enclosed is a copy of our current autograph policy.

Thank you for your letter. We appreciate your comments.

Sincerely,

Margaret S. Morehouse
Administrative Staff Assistant


Also Attached:

Dear Constant Reader,

I will not be autographing books, pictures, book jackets or cards as part of a long range plan to reduce my workload. I do not send out any autographed pictures.

Sincerely,

Stephen King

To Penn Jillette

Dear Mr. Jillette,

Thank you for taking on PETA on your BS show. I'm a little doggy, and even I think those people are nuts.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - You talk a lot. Give the little guy a chance to talk every once in a while, why don'tcha?

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, and maybe one of the little guy.

To Joan Rivers

Dear Ms. Rivers,

Why do you keep changing your face? Are you on the lam or somethin'?

Just wondering,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. Any face will do.


The Reply:


To Weasel McPuppy

I like a new face for every new dress--
woof woof--love

Joan Rivers


A Note From Weasel Regarding The Reply:

Thank you, Ms. Rivers. I didn't know you spoke doggy.

To Sally Field

Dear Ms. Field,

It's true that if mommies ruled the world, there would be no gol' durn wars; but there would also be a lot more talk about ailing relatives that you can't remember having ever met. Is that really what you want?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - There would also be no shortage of guilt.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, because I like you. I really like you.


The Reply:


To Weasel McPuppy--

Love,

Sally Field


A Note From Weasel Regarding the Reply:

Thanks, Ms. Field. Mommies like you rule my world!

To Shelley Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

If you want to make a call, you need to buy a phone. When you hold your hand up to your ear, you look like a crazy person.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. Preferably one that doesn't make you look like a crazy person.

To Robin Williams

Dear Popeye,

I keep eating my spinach, but all I get is gassy. You lied to me.

Disappointed,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, so I can throw darts at it.


The Reply:


To Weasel,

Fart on.

Robin Williams


A Note From Weasel Regarding the Reply:

Thank you, Mr. Williams. I will fart on! If anyone asks me about it, I'll tell them you gave me permission.

To Mr. Winkle

Dear Mr. Winkle,

Stop sticking your tongue out at me. It is very impolite. Your mama taught you better than that.

Sincerely,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. You'll notice I kept my tongue in my mouth like a nice little lady.

To Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Ms. Paltrow,

Apple sure is a funny name for a baby. If I ever have a puppy, I'm naming him Burgermeister Pickles McGillicuddy. Top that!

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I like apples.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. You can sign it with a funny name if you wanna.

To Kelly LeBrock

Dear Ms. LeBrock,

I won't hate you because you're beautiful if you don't hate me because I'm an adorable little doggy. Do we have a deal?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Science isn't weird. It's just complicated.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me a picture of you with fluffy, fluffy hair.


The Reply:


God bless. Love and happiness.

Kelly LeBrock


A Note From Weasel Regrading the Reply:

I asked for a picture of you with fluffy, fluffy hair; and you came through and how! Thanks, Ms. LeBrock.

To Fifth Third Bank

Dear Fifth Third Bank,

Your name is an improper fraction. Maybe you should call yourself "One and Two Thirds Bank."

Just a suggestion,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - There is more to life than money. Maybe your mommy didn't hold you enough when you were a baby.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Don't bother sending me your picture. Who wants a picture of a bank?

To David Copperfield

Dear Mr. Copperfield,

You have many magical powers. Do they come from Satan?

You scare me,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - It wasn't very nice of you to take the Statue of Liberty, but at least you gave it back.

P.P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. I ask that you don't use it to put a voodoo curse on me.

To Brandon Routh

Dear Clark Kent,

I know your secret, but I won't tell anybody.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Those glasses make you look nerdy. Have you considered contacts? Ha, ha.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, with or without the glasses.

To Frank Oz

Dear Mr. Oz,

I hurt my throat trying to talk like Yoda. You owe me money.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. If you send me your picture, I'll drop the suit.


The Reply:


2/12/08

Sorry this reply has taken so long. I guess your letter just got lost between the cracks.


A Note From Weasel Regarding The Reply:

Dear Mr. Oz,

Thank you for caring so much about the feelings of a little doggy. You are a very nice man. You'll be happy to hear that I've asked my lawyer to drop the lawsuit.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

To Christopher Lee

Dear Dracula,

Why are you always biting people? That's no way to make friends. Try a handshake, why don'tcha?

Sincerely,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - You are old. You should know better.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. I'd ask for your picture, but I don't think vampires can be photographed.

To Kirstie Alley

Dear Ms. Alley,

I heard you lost a lot of weight recently. Don't worry. It's always in the last place you look.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Please send me your picture. I've enclosed my picture. As you can see, I've been hitting the Cheetos pretty hard myself.

To Albert Brooks

Dear Mr. Brooks,

I like it when you say funny things that nobody laughs at. Not everybody gets me either.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - You shouldn't base your opinion of yourself on what others think of you.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. It doesn't have to be funny.


The Reply:


To Weasel--

(Undecipherable)

Albert (Undecipherable)


A Note From Weasel Regarding the Reply:

Based on other autographed pictures of Mr. Brooks posted on fanmail.biz, I believe this says, "To Weasel--Best wishes--Albert Brooks." However, other possibilities include:

• To Weasel--Get bent--Albert Owl
• To Weasel--Spit units--Albert Globe
  
• To Weasel--Let's rinse--Albert Hate
  
• To Weasel--Instruments--Albert Ohhs
• To Weasel--Glib runts--Albert Ruth
• To Weasel--Got your nose--Albert Einstein

Whatever it says, it was pretty cool of him to take time to write to a little doggy.

To Tony Curtis

Dear Mr. Curtis,

I think you are wearing one of my relatives on your head. Please return the body. We'd like to give her a proper burial.

Sincerely,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - What kind of a monster are you?

P.P.S. - I have enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture. We'd like to include it in the evidence file.

To Giada De Laurentiis

Dear Ms. De Laurentiis,

Are you sure you're Italian? Why you no talk-a like-a dis?

Ciao,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - What's with the porn music?

P.P.S. - You're pretty. Please send me your picture. I enclosed my picture. I'm pretty too.

To Chris Matthews

Dear Mr. Matthews,

You are very loud. Please use your inside voice. You wouldn't want to hurt a little doggy's ears, would ya?

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - Ssh.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed a picture. Please send me your picture. I like pictures. They're quiet.

To Don Rickles

Dear Mr. Rickles,

I am not, nor have I ever been, a hockey puck. I do not appreciate the insinuation.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I bet you smell like brisket. Mmmm... brisket.

P.P.S. - I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture and possibly some brisket.


The Reply:


To Weasel,

Down Boy!

Best,

Don Rickles


A Note From Weasel Regarding The Reply:

Thank you very much, Mr. Rickles! However, just so you know, I'm a little girl.

What? No brisket?

To Meryl Streep

Dear Ms. Streep,

I didn’t recognize you as the rabbi in Angels in America. I like it when you play people that don’t look like you.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. - I also like to play dress-up. Here is a picture of me in my Halloween costume. Please send me your picture. It doesn’t have to look like you.

To Nicole Kidman

Dear Ms. Kidman,

I loved you in The Hours. I laughed and laughed. Who says they don’t make comedies like they used to? Leave ‘em laughing, funny lady.

Your friend,

Weasel McPuppy

P.S. – I've enclosed my picture. Please send me your picture, with or without the funny nose.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION -- Come Back Soon!

Weasel will begin posting in the very near future. She's licking the stamps on her first stack of letters as we speak.